So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
