You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
