hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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