It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
