i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
