I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up under a house in Key West
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