oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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