When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize