How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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