Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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