Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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