my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he shaved USA in his pubs
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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