I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
