My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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