I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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