one might say we're banned from that church
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
