Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
