I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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