i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
