The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
