u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
