Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize