did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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