I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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