I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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