hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
