I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
