apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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