Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize