Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
