dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we're so committed to being not committed
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
