the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
