Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
