Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we're so committed to being not committed
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
