i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
