my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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