I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Everything about him screamed your future.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize