I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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