Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
