I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize