Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
