the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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