WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
