Is it because I queefed?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
