I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize