You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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