just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
