It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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