Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i came on her dog
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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