You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
