explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
