His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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