someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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