remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
