so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
