Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
