Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
