she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
