DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
