i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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