Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
