My Higher Power is John Stamos
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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