Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
