It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
