And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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