I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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